A "welcome to Arkan" poster

Arkan is a real town in Ontario, Canada. It is extremely small only having 9 residents (10 if you count Mayor Tiny Cooper but he normally lives in another nearby town) and so is not marked on most normal maps. It cannot be found on Google Maps because Google thinks it is a copyright trap. It remains to this day one of the smallest populations in the world. Residents of Arkan are known as Arkvarks . The road in Arkan has 3 lanes; one for cars going one way, one for cars going the other way and a third for people to stand on while they contemplate the meaning of life and the meaninglessness of driving. No one has yet figured this so if you ask them why driving is meaningless they shall sigh for not knowing.

Arkan is everything; A town, a person, a country, a planet, a galaxy, a medium pepperoni pizza for $5+tax etc.

Arkan is the sister town to Night-Vale although any similarities to it are purely coincidental and no angels were involved. It is also the opposite town to Darkan and there are strange rivalries between the two and all outcasts and exiled Arkvarks are sent to Darkan and become Darkvarks or beavers .

The layout of the town is constantly changing. There are a few constants though. There is always a Dog Park, the resident's houses are always in the town border, there is always a library, there is always a main store, always a town hall and always an IHOP and all non-buildings like the Social Well or the Duck Pond. All other buildings come and go as they please and all of the buildings move around from time to time. They only move when no-one is looking and no-one would notice. Here is a full list of locations.

Arkan is a place where everything is canon. Except the cannons. The beavers prefer to use crossbows when hunting, so all cannons were replaced with Crossbows, some of which were even fitted to shoot cannonballs.

Arkan does not belong to the people it belongs to the docile Cat-Rats and the less welcoming Hooded Beavers. They only allowed the Founding Females to settle there because they built the Social Well. It is said that the first sacrifice was never taken out, but rather escaped and founded Darkan.


According to legend, Arkan originated in Heaven as the most pure part of the Garden of Eden. As the legend goes, after Eden was risen into Heaven by God Arkan was the one place to be cast back down to Earth. This was because Arkan was so pure and perfect that it made God look bad and so had to be sent away.

It is believed that Arkan was discovered by the Nordic tribe, the Arkonians, which is where the name Arkan is derived. Evidence of the tribes occupation of the area is shown by unique markings and engravings found of the oldest tress of the area on the outskirts of the town. The town soon fell out of use when the Nordic tribesmen returned to their homeland due to an unknown cause. About 75 years ago woodcarvings were found in the exact center of the original Nordic settlement depicting the Nordic warriors being chased by cloaked and hooded figures. It is thought that these show the Hooded Beavers driving the Nords out.

Many later settlers of Canada overlooked Arkan as it had been reduced to a mere shack during the unoccupied centuries. But a small family was able to set up their homestead in the place where the Nordic tribe once lived, naming it after it's founders.

Nowadays there is a population of 9 and for the small town it is there is a surprising amount of civil and good amenities. There is an IHOP there and free WiFi from the tumbleweeds. The power and water in Arkan is attained because the mayor, Tiny Cooper, knows a guy who knows a guy who knows a guys aunt who lost a hand in poker. They bet on whether or not to give Arkan power and water.

In recent years Arkan has become a holiday destination for celebrities such as Benedict Cumberbatch, David Tennant and Martin Freeman because they cannot be seen by Arkvarks so there is no chance of them being recognized. David Tennant and Martin Freeman has since stopped going to Arkan after an incident involving laser pointers, maple syrup and a Hooded Beaver.

It is said that once, while on his way to Toronto, Chuck Norris passed through Arkan and never made it to Toronto. He was not seen again for 3 weeks when he mysteriously turned up on his doorstep with a black eye, three broken fingers and a strange fear of beavers and cloaks which has been with him ever since.


There is no religion in Arkan. Arkvarks praise good animated films, ducks and the occasional hat. The praising of a hat is so occasional it is cause for celebration and all of the Arkvarks gather in the townhall for a Feast of Praise. A Feast of Praise is a special event that is made up of a feast of meats and vegetable broth and various celebrations. Celebrations include praising the hat, traditional Arkonian folk music, traditional Arkonian folk dancing, the telling of old Arkonian tales and legends and the event ends with every Arkonian drinking from a symbolic silver chalice of a traditional Arkonian fruit and spiced wine and giving a final praise to the hat.

Despite the lack of religion, Arkan is a very spiritual place. There is a strange energy that emanates from it that can be felt in nearby places. It also attracts many spirits and creatures that make it their home.


There are a number of events that happen in Arkan ranging from every week to once a century.

Once a century all of the Arkvarks empty the town for a day and release one of the nocturnal Arkonian Cat-Rats into the town during the day. This is an ancient Cleansing Ritual dating back to the times of the Nordic tribes. The ritual is to cleanse the town and houses of all evil spirits that have gathered there in the last century.

Every other Tuesday is Contemplation Day. On Contemplation Day all residents are required to go outside and look up at the sky. While doing this they must wonder what life is, where we come from, why pizza was invented and the proper way to arkvark.

From time to time a mysterious redheaded woman appears in Arkan in a flash of light and asks for the Doctor, just the Doctor. However, the only doctor in Arkan is called John Smith and he claims to have never met the woman. When he asks for her name she just says that she is noble and then leaves. When she leaves Dr. Smith can be heard whispering "I'm sorry. I'm so, so sorry." outside the police box on Main Street.

Every second Tuesday the people of Arkan must present their spoons to the Beavers so that they may cleanse them.

Every week a newspaper is dropped into the town by a carrier bald eagle. These newspapers are always missing all vowels and at least 10-20 years old often more. The Arkvarks live in fear of a recent vowel-filled newspaper being delivered because they believe it to be a sign that all residents of Arkan will turn into talking cheeseburgers.


Despite being in Canada, a place known for it's perpetual cold, Arkan is in a desert. This desert is bordered by a 20ft wall of snow. The snow that makes up this wall is rock hard and can only be broken by a few individuals such as Chuck Norris but when he did this it was resealed over night and no-one knows who by. Chuck Norris vowed never to open the wall again and when asked about it he said "if that place ever gets out the world will never be the same again" and has never said anything about the place since.

Every other Friday in Arkan it rains maple syrup and once a month it snows ice-cream. Every year on the winter solstice the conditions align just right for both to happen at the same time which creates a heavenly mixture that the Arkonina Cat-Rat thrives on. When the Cat-Rats eat this mixture the entire species gathers outside town hall and sing the National Anthem


Arkvarks Dormiens Nunquam Titillandus "Never Tickle a Sleeping Arkvark
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Never Tickle a Sleeping Arkvark


Rumour has it that the first time Mayor Tiny Cooper came to town he was lost and accidently stumbled upon a sleeping Arkvark. Wanting to know where he was, Tiny Cooper tried to wake him. We are not sure what the Arkvark did to Tiny Cooper seeing that neither will talk about it. But a source does say that Tiny Cooper was last seen running out of the town wearing a Superman costume and carrying a feather duster screaming "Arkvarks Dormiens Nunquam Titllandus!"  at the top of his lungs. 

Notable ResidentsEdit

There are only 9 residents in Arkan, although 10 if you include Mayor Tiny Cooper but he normally lives in another town nearby so is not counted in the population count. There used to be 10 but once 1 resident said the name of the of the Orbs above the McDonalds and now there are 9.

There are 2 residents that are both arguably the most notable. The first contender for most notable is famous cartographer David Thompson, which makes it more odd that Arkan does not appear on any maps. The second is YouTube vlogger Nerdyandquirky.

Contrary to popular belief, Santa Claus does not live in the North Pole. He actually lives in Arkan in an invisible workshop with his elves. None of the residents know this. The two children of Arkan get presents every day of the year but December 25th. The community of Arkan  believes it is the beaver council celebrating the youth.